analgesia

little convulsions
made the meat 
die

how could it be of any use now

where i paint 
the tree roots red, the soil white

blood trails and snow

like eyes

becoming useless things
cracked and oval shaped

and i can see a crucifixion
in magenta and azure and black

and how wonderful it is
to bake cup cakes
for the pentecost

heaven drains
amniotic

how i wish i could sever 
every nerve ending
in this body

how i miss my mind

how i'd like to take a hacksaw 
through my femur

be it
one morphine capsule 
at a time

a year zero

is it weird
that i rehearsed losing you 
in my head?

is it weird that i practice 
saying goodbyes,

that i fantasize about the end?

always preparing.

i wonder
if i orchestrate it
inadvertently.

sometimes 
i am happy

but i loathe myself.

when does 'being content'
transition to
'being happy'?

sometimes there is wishful thinking.

sometimes
i kill the lights
and i look for dreams

but i am blind.

sometimes
facial features 
twist and contort into code.

sometimes i live
in your wake

but sometimes,

more than i'd like to admit;

sometimes
i die

in it.

destroyer

he was a passenger to the amygdala

vultures pick his rib cage clean.
the stringy bits of gore;

symbolic.

he cannot feel her.

he knows
that he will not 
live long enough
to understand this.

proxima centauri on the gloss
of his eyes.

he prefers sleeping
he cannot feel her hand on his cheek
he has dreams of demons

he is never coming back

pulse

it is
after a moment of pareidolia
that i notice

i am squinting 
into a piece of the sun

post
the layered pulse
resounding through the neighborhood

my fingers
rushing along the neck
of my instrument

this

of the wishful fermatta

and any disbelief of the sun
now met
with a rumored
existence

of it

because this night
is aortic 

and this night
is pulmonary

and everything here
is alive

and we are the sun

poor shun

thoughts of melanie 

are black as tar

and my retro mind

eats at the void

do you ever forget?

i heard it was fun

the dead memory

grey and stoic

like reincarnation

how i can barely recall

like a past life

like a lapse in time

like cape horn

becoming the sea...

and

it is undoubtably 

far from concern

...like everything

and the world is a luminescent marble

rolling on black velvet.

inversion:

a pupil existing

in an eyeball

and i will engineer a multitude of things

and i will instinctively

abandon them 

i will care just enough

and i will have minimal memory

of it all

anatomy of a catalyst

my death
has nothing to do
with the .45 in my hand

the correlation
of my index finger
to the screams
of the amusement park

the soul
exiting through a puncture
of the skin

the red and blue lights
wavering along the walls

the random bodies
leading to where i am
having bled out hours ago

and even a mascot
a human being
dead within a cat costume
the likeness of a cartoon cat
personified with human stature and traits

define irony.

all the negotiating mumbo jumbo
bellowed through a megaphone

the small group of people
who are sitting on the asphalt
in front of me

they all fear for their lives

i remember
a seven year old girl
asking me why i looked so sad

i remember pluto

i remember
the pawn shop
and its thirty day waiting period

i remember being happy

i remember suffering

i remember
samael

there are not enough stars in the sky
to brighten this world

nectar

stargazers salivate
for the acetylene touch
and for the butane flare

we are pangaea's drift
like mirror veins traveling the skin
tectonics among us
dreams of binary stars

i had wanted this
to die

the little honey bee
perched upon the blossom

the star-crossed sex of lilium

the way her eyes looked
next to the fire

the way nectar
stifles airflow
in the bronchial tubes