happiness

i can hear the roll-up door at the back of the truck 

bouncing up and down     

people are honking     

i forgot to latch it shut again     

i don't care     

i hate this job         

i'm wondering     

if a .380 against my temple would kill me     

or just hurt like hell         

there's a homeless guy on the corner     

beating a lamppost with a tent pole     

and with an expression     

somewhere between mental illness     

and happiness     

maybe both         

could i be happy?         

i deal with my loneliness     

by stalking a lady on the internet     

someone i knew some years ago     

that i've come to admire     

i obsesse over her     

i sent the friend request with a fake name     

it felt wrong             

it all feels wrong             

i wonder     

if maybe one day     

i could pass out at the wheel     

and wake up 

in another life

a dumbing

sky ever expanding

world ever closing in

the meat turns

sirius dies

house lights fade

eyes to dim 

and the apples to rot

generation expiration

no more color world

glow, understandings

because meat putrifies

if it is all 

that it can do

notes: a reference

the universe

is a party girl 

polishing off the roofied rum & coke god gave her 

see eden

see the fence lizard half in joshua's mouth

smiling as he bites down

the blood runs down his cheek

like strawberry glaze

see friendship

see bryanna on the swings forever ago

so long that she might as well 

have never existed

see year zero

see the day 

the demon spoke to me

see rancor

see karen 

and our magic tree stump

see red and blue lights 

cutting images of canyon wall and sage scrub 

from the darkness

see a lack of coherency

see burning white hot pain

see my black-boned angel 

and vernal eyes

see nothing

                      feel nothing

                                            be nothing

pyre

sun glowing through my eyelids

weiland's ghost
going on about his 'someday girl'

saturday's ghost
floating quietly in a vernal pool

a bit of earth in her iris

i'm on my pyre
staring up into the tumultuous heavens

but all i can see
are hibiscus petals

i see fire engines
and hemoglobin and

strawberries

tachinidae

time-travel 
back to the living room 
back to when my beer was full 

to parry the velvet 
and glitter above 

the world around us 
of carbon dioxide and carcinogens 
and syntax 

i can never see you

insects have it all figured out
flies have their compound eyes 

i have only these two 

my aura will travel up the living room curtains 
all orange and red and devouring

how tachinid larvae eat their host from the inside 

how emotions do the same

dogs

i'll never understand why 
she gives all her goodness to dogs 

to the hounds that trail her 

i can see her face 
and touch her hand 

but i know 
there are galaxies 

between us

val

cheeks dent inward as she draws the alcohol 
through the little black straw 

an eternity there 

a tiny moment 
a flicker of a light bulb 
the batting of her light-brown eyes 

we talk palahniuk and love 
and misanthropy 

i remember 

her eyes overflowing 
like a soul melting and emptying out 

god has no place in her heart 
no right 

there was a glowing white carriage 
like a constellation in the sky