happiness

i can hear the roll-up door at the back of the truck 

bouncing up and down     

people are honking     

i forgot to latch it shut again     

i don't care     

i hate this job         

i'm wondering     

if a .380 against my temple would kill me     

or just hurt like hell         

there's a homeless guy on the corner     

beating a lamppost with a tent pole     

and with an expression     

somewhere between mental illness     

and happiness     

maybe both         

could i be happy?         

i deal with my loneliness     

by stalking a lady on the internet     

someone i knew some years ago     

that i've come to admire     

i obsesse over her     

i sent the friend request with a fake name     

it felt wrong             

it all feels wrong             

i wonder     

if maybe one day     

i could pass out at the wheel     

and wake up 

in another life